Dear Diary, Universe, and the blogosphere

hold on a sec

Well, I'll dive right in.

Last night I tried GHB, which is (I think) the marquee date rape drug. Anywayas it didn't seem to do much and I was bored with it. Today I woke up, rolled around a lot in bed, got up and and out and went to take a shower.....and bamm! I have rather large rash spread around my body. I look into the situation and talk to a chemist friend I have (no not "makes his own meth" chemist, he's a "getting a masters in something very complicated" type of chemist.) and he says since I'm allergic to demerol which I had after surgery once, that it's probably just the same thing. So there.

Anyways I've barely gone out all day, leaving myself alone to my thoughts and attempts at studying for finals coming up. The rash has made me a modest man.

A problem with me is I live way too much in my own world and my own head. I may go out and do things, but often I do them alone, and I have freinds, but often I don't engage with them as much as I should. Why am I a loner? I'm not sure. I have this huge goal of falling in love, which I'm almost constantly thinking about, but my life is more then that, and yet it consumes me. P.S. I'm a young Gay male. Also, people.........many many people.......even interesting people......tend to bore me. I'm not sure why. Am I that horribly focused on love, sex, and being antisocial? Sometimes I want to be constantly overstimulated, and where I am now I just don't often get that. I'm trapped in a college town that honestly puts me to sleep.

I'm overanalyzing. Nevermind. Then I'm also judging my own life and thinking about how kind of crappy it feels sometimes, but if I look at the facts it doesn't seem that bad. The thing is, enjoyment of life isn't about facts.....it isn't about how much you score, or what you do, it's about how you feel between the moments when you're doing those things.....the regular stuff that fills up the time between the notches on your belt.

Well, for the record, here are my notches:

I generally have a decent amount of sex with different men. I have a couple funny sex stories........a 3some on the beach with two French boys, getting nailed on my professor's desk by another student I met online at 3 AM, getting nailed again in the backseat of my BFF's car while said BFF drives around looking for somewhere dark and ends up pulling into Checker's so he can get fries while we finish, etc. But what happened after those things? Absoloutely nothing. Well, actually backseat checkers guy ended up really liking me and I saw him again, but really didn't like him as much at all the second time around.

I go to a good school, and my life's ok. I date occasionally, in fact I'm kind of talking to a boy now that I think I like but wont actually be able to go out with until January. So all this crappiness I feel sometimes I totally put on myself. Why am I so uninspired here? My grades are sinking, and i'm feeling lost.

Is it depression? No, not exactly. It's more complicated. We'll see.