French Class

I told my professor about the cheating thing. She understands. Also, I'm doing a little better in that class then I thought I was. Hip hip hooray.

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

The smart boy thinks I cheated off of him.

I didn't, and I'm mortified that he thinks that of me. It did look like that's what I was doing though, so I don't blame him for thinking that I guess.

I was doing horribly...I mean really really badly. I froze up. I didn't know what else to so I started looking around. It really looked like I was cheating.

Even if I don't get in trouble with the school (He didn't turn me in), I'm so completely embarrassed. I'm not a cheater.

I was never in the Closet.

So I've been reading a lot about how other guys came out of the closet or are coming out on their blogs. Here's my own story:

I was never really in the closet. The second I knew, and often beforehand, everyone else did too. First of all, I'm a loudmouth. In high school I gossiped tons about myself. Second of all, I grew up in some pretty liberal parts of Miami. In most places I think people assume you're straight until they can tell otherwise. Well, I honestly feel like in Miami they don't do that, or maybe I just come off as gay right away. I do seem kinda obviously gay sometimes.

I didn't really accept myself as gay right away, but I never really denied it either. I thought it was a phase, or that maybe I was bi. I had actaully had some pretty major crushes on girls in middle school, so there was a bases for that judgement.

But when I knew for sure, pretty much everyone else did too.

I did have some "coming out" episodes: and here they are.

1. My brother found my livejournal. I had been talking about boys. That's how he knew for sure.

2. Then he told one of my cousins on a plane to Colorado.

3. My parents had told me a couple times they wouldn't care either way. I "officially" told my mom in the car. I'm not sure of the exact wording but it was really just verbally stating what I knew she already knew.

In fact I got a bigger reaction out of her when I told her I smoked pot.

Both of my parents figured it out on their own.

4. I know my dad knew, but apparently he wanted to hear it out of my own lips instead of allowing himself to figure it out on his own. He said he did this out of respect for me, and that sexuality isn't something a parent should just assume of their kid.

I thought that was really great, but annoying because it meant I had to tell him, and I haaaaaate talking to my parents about sex. I absolutely abhor it.

5. Once I was stoned with some of my cousins and I said "Ok I'm going to tell you guys something. You know I'm gay, right?" and they said "Duhhh. Sean why are you making such a big deal about it."

6. I can't remember if I've told my grandmother or not. Haha! But she called my bestfriend my boyfriend once, and my aunts all say she knows. So, that's done.

Now

O.K. that boy stopped liking me. I don't know what it was exactly although I have some ideas, and honestly I'm okay with that...I guess. I really did like falling asleep next to him, but I don't think we had much in common, and well....I don't know. Maybe I'm too weird for him anyways.

I have to look for a summer internship. I wish I was more upset about the economy, I wish I was more upset about my grades, I wish I was LESS upset about being alone sometimes. My life used to be much more passionate then it is now. Part of that was probably the Adderoll I was on, but part of it was just having a more interesting life. But it's fine. My life is on break right now while I'm in school. The adventures will continue after I graduate.

I did have a lot of sex about a week ago. 4 nights with 3 different guys. Since that's probably the highlight of my month, you can see how routine my life is here. Oh, well.

Remember when livejournal was really popular? Everyone I knew seemed to have one...I was a lot more revealing on mine then other people were I think, and I loved telling stories of my life on it. All my friends read it, but most of the stuff I post on here they could read anyways...I haven't said anything really bad yet have I?

Maybe I'll blog on Facebook. Maybe.

Gainesville

My life is on pause while I'm in this town for the next year...and I'm O.K. with that. What I mean is, I have to stick around here because I'm within a year of graduating so maybe I'll give up everything else (which I've practically already done anyways) and spend all my time on school, planning for the times when I'm not in Gainesville, and looking for sexual friends online. AND maybe I'll fall in love, but I doubt it. There is a boy I'm having a very nice time with right now though - hopefully that will last. My fears are that he'll stop liking me.

Anyways my point is, living in the moment here really isn't worth it. So, maybe now it's all about the future. Now I need some big goals to drive me to that future and make me work harder now.

Once I'm done then I can move to Miami or whatever big city I have a job offer in and LIVE!

Imagine a cute apartment on South Beach, or in the Grove, or the Design District (All areas of Miami), a social life consisting of art gallery openings, happy hours, sex, and coworker camaraderie, and a job at a cool youth filled architect's office or design magazine maybe. Oh, and lots of dating of lots of hot boys...once of which will fall in love with me.

CONCLUSION: I NEED GOALS SO I CAN HAVE A SWEET POST COLLEGE LIFE. Hooorah!

Casual Sex

I'm over having casual semi anonymous sex. I want romance, passion, and love. I might not be able to stop myself from having sex until I really like who I'm having it with, but I want to have it with people that I know I'll want to fall asleep with afterwords.

And have breakfast with, etc.

Other Gay Bloggers

Why do so many Gay Bloggers seem to have such perfectly fabulous lives? A well-to-do London banker having hot sex in Bangkok, a kid in Beverly Hills, a pr-athlete, a guy who somehow gets everything because of how muscly he is, a kid who constantly talks about how popular he is...etc.

First of all, I understand of course that they all have issues and nobody has a perfect life...half of them aren't even out of the closet actually...secondly I'm literally asking WHY? constructively, why? Is it because they have great lives that they blog, or is it just a correlation? Do they talk about their lives because the lives seem worth talking about, or do people who blog tend to be wealthier, more educated, and more interesting then the majority of society simply because it is those traits that make good bloggers?

Certainly people with more money have more computer access, and more educated people are probably more introspective and self analytical - a necessary trait for a good blogger. On a certain level social norms dictate to us that blogging is an activity more commonly done and more accepted by exciting young progressive people (who very often have pretty cool lives anyways), and people who have something good to talk about. How often do you see the uneducated rural poor blogging? Sure, it may happen, but not very often.

Finally, the blogs that are more visible are probably the more popular blogs, and popular because they are interesting. The people writing them lead "cool" lives.

O.K. well I guess I'm a little less jealous of Mr. "I just had hot sex in Bangkok."

But it still sounded like a lot of fun.

The Economist

Ring....ring

me - Hi Mom

mom - Hi Sean

me - How are you......blah blah blah (obligatory conversational pleasantries)


me - So I've been reading The Economist and I'd really like a subscription. It's 50 dollars, because it comes once a week.

mom - Sean, that's too much.

me - Will you split it with me?

mom - No. I'm getting you Vanity Fair anyways.

me - Yes, and thank you, but The Economist is more expensive and I can't afford it on my own. I could afford Vanity Fair.

mom - Do you not want Vanity Fair? I haven't sent it in yet.

me - No, no, I do want it....but it's not something I would ask for because it's only 10 dollars and I would be embarrassed to ask for that because I can afford it. The Economist I can't afford and I'm getting rather addicted to it.

mom - Can't you read it online?

me - Weeeeeeell yeah. (How do I justify it now? In addition to not getting the Economist, I'm toast.)

mom - Well, there you go.

me - Um, ok. (I'm 22 and too old to beg, although I know the real reason doesn't have to do with it being too much money. It has to do with me being 22. Splitting it would not be too much money. But, I'm still in college and poor as a door mouse. What should I do? Go without, I suppose. Buuuuut it's the Economist, so It's educational. I thought parents still paid for that stuff. Wait.....I just took out my first school loan....ok fine they don't pay for that stuff anymore. damn)

New Year's Eve Kiss

I've never had a proper New Year kiss at midnight. I went dancing on New Year's Eve a couple years ago and had my first threeway kiss with a boy dressed up as a cowboy and a boy as Le Corbusier, but that was around 11. I was in a sailor suit with white pants. Around midnight they were nowhere to be found.

And that's the closest I've been to that.